This article was originally published on Kueez
Are You Too Chicken to Date Her?
Come on, what's the problem? Why not date this fine young lady holding a chicken as if it were a dirty rag she had just used to clean and polish the floors? What about this picture is off-putting? Yeah, that's right - absolutely nothing. There is nothing off-putting about this perfectly regular photograph of a woman holding a chicken. Especially not the fact that she used it for her dating site profile.
Okay, so we are obviously being a bit sarcastic, but in all truth, this really is a nice picture. Definitely one of those pictures that her friend group totally went wild for.
Girl, What's With the Rugs?
This could have been a really neat picture if it weren't for the frankly startling amount of rugs in this photograph. Well, it's not that there are that many rugs, but they do manage to fill up approximately 90% of the entire frame. We're not sure how this woman did it, but she managed to take a photograph in the most rug-infested place in the world. Where that could be, only she knows.
But, going by her face, she does seem to be at peace with her setting. Maybe that's just what one feels when surrounded by rugs - complete and utter tranquility.
Ready for Vogue
So this person definitely had the right idea when she tried to take what we could only assume was meant to be a seductive photo of herself posing like a model in her home. The only problem is that her home is, frankly, a bit of a mess. We're getting uncomfortable just by looking at it. That would make us pass up on the opportunity to date her were we to see this pic on an online dating site.
Also, we have to ask: what's up with all those splashes of paint on the right-side wall? Like, how did those get there? More importantly, why are those even there?
Ah, the Old "Just Got Abducted" Pose
Nothing like posing for a dating app photo in an empty truck in the middle of freezing nowhere. Look, we don't want to call anyone or anywhere sketchy, but this definitely seems like the type of place some of the people using these Russian dating apps would end up in, by the looks of the photos they're uploading to their bios. That being said, this photo looks more like a work of art than it does a dating app picture.
Think about the composition of the colors and the tension between the model and her surroundings; this is definitely something we'd see at a modern photograph exhibition. We think.
The "S" in Sexy Stands for Sausage
Who would've known that sausage was for more than just a tasty breakfast? Well, this lady here apparently knew that, going by the way she posed for her online dating picture. We are not quite sure what type of guy would actually be into this, but surely that person is out there, just waiting to meet this woman. We wish them luck.
Hopefully, this woman finds herself a sausage-loving partner. But, when you think about it, it seems as though someone else had to take this picture while her hands were tied, so maybe she already found herself her sausage husband.
Does It Get More Romantic Than This?
Posing next to an actual open toilet filled to the brim with a bouquet of beautiful red roses? Yeah, that's definitely our idea of a perfect first date. What more could a person ask for? Sure, the location may be a bit sketchy and unhygienic, but having a romantic dinner for two right by the toilet is actually pretty convenient when you think about it. No need to waste time on toilet breaks.
Maybe it's just us (and it probably is), but we think what this young woman is offering is worth taking a chance on. Something about her is just giving off the right kind of vibe.
Well She Certainly Knows How to Party
We have always wondered how people across the globe partied. Now, it seems, we know. It seems close enough to anything you'd see in a frat house or a typical college party. The only thing that truly caught us off-guard was the chicken. Why is there a chicken in this photograph? What purpose does roasted (or is it fried) chicken serve at Russian parties? Sometimes different cultures are truly impenetrable.
Who knows. This could have been just a one-time thing, something they did specifically for this photograph. On the other hand, chicken drumsticks may just be an indispensable part of Russian party culture.
Come On In, the Water's Fine
Look, let's face it: this photograph is actually cursed. Like, there's just something offputting and kind of creepy about it. Maybe it's the expression on the woman's face, maybe it's the fact that she's posing inside a waterless bathtub while wearing a fancy dress, or maybe it's just how unpolished and unrefined the bathtub looks. Like, it wouldn't have killed her to scrub the walls a bit before taking this picture.
We wouldn't be surprised at all if this picture scared away any potential partners interested in this woman. It just has one of those scary haunted house vibes to it.
A Romantic Dinner for Two?
So there's absolutely nothing wrong with the bathroom. Sure, it may not be everyone's first choice when it comes to romantic settings to have a date in, but online dating is all about changing the game, setting trends, giving your partner a unique experience, and showing them something they aren't used to seeing. Taking your online dating partner to a date in the bathroom is one heck of a way to accomplish that.
Truly, this woman knows what she's up to. She may seem innocent and clueless on paper, but she's definitely mastered the game of online dating. Maybe. Actually, she probably didn't.
She's Really Going to Town on That Watermelon
Well, shucks. You can't blame a gal for doing what she does best - chowing down on and totally guzzling down a whole watermelon. What's amazing about this is just how little planning and effort were made regarding the watermelon. Like, usually what happens is that people cut the melon, slice it, and hand it out on the plates or something. Not this time. This woman's going in for the kill.
While this probably isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you think of an online dating photo, this isn't a bad picture per se. It's fun and goofy, and it gives off a good vibe. We like it!
A Woman in a Pile of Trash? Sounds Like Online Dating
Whether she did it consciously or not, this woman totally just made a metaphor for online dating in general: lying prone, trying to look as seductive and appealing and interesting as possible, surrounded by a pile of useless trash. Truly, there has never been a more accurate depiction of what it is like to try to find a romantic partner online. This photograph really does convey what it's like to try online dating.
So while this photo probably won't give her that many desirable matches, it did serve another lofty purpose - it is a work of art conveying the plights of 21st-century love.
Soaked, Energized, And Ready for Love
We don't know what kind of energy drink demon possessed this honorable young woman when she decided to totally drench herself with some kind of off-brand, red, seemingly Russian energy drink while posing for a photo on the riverbank, but we'd be lying if we were to say that this photograph didn't have some kind of entertainment value. Is it a picture suitable for a dating site profile? Not really.
But who knows, maybe this woman was ahead of her time when she used this photo. Perhaps she wouldn't have got along with anyone who didn't vibe with this photo.
Nothing Screams Wife Material More Than Leopard Camouflage
Oh, wait until the Tiger King gets his paws on the Russian dating app this respectable lady was using. We do have to say, jokes aside, that she is kind of rocking that leopard suit more than we feel comfortable admitting. Good for her for proving us and the entire premise of minimal fashion wrong by making (and definitely not breaking) that leopard onesie. We can only hope she found herself a suitable partner.
You know, someone who would appreciate her off-kilter taste in fashion and patterns. Going by the way she's holding those flowers, though, she's probably still looking. We wish her only the best of luck.
Huge Red Flag: She Prays to Putin Every Night
If there's one thing that should universally be deemed as a huge red flag, it's probably worshiping a politician. Like, there's absolutely nothing good that can come out of that. Yup, nothing redeeming about that quality. There are a lot of red flags that people can work with, maybe even spin them into something positive. Jealousy, for example, is something some people can handle pretty well, even kind of enjoy.
Owning a carpet of your political leader and posing with it for a picture on an online dating app? Yeah, it's going to be hard to see the appeal on that one.
Quite the Catch, Isn't She?
So, when your friends finally convince you to try online dating after a messy breakup because "there's plenty of fish in the sea," this is the kind of fish they were talking about. Yeah, sorry to get your hopes down, but this is real life, not a fairytale movie, and in real life, you find people taking pictures with enormous fishes on dating sites. That's just the cold, hard truth.
No offense to this woman, though, who posed for what can only be described as a hilarious photograph. It just isn't very romantic, in our opinion.
Behold - The Queen of the Sausages
You know a girl is special when she's wearing a crown composed of literal sausages on her head. Those kinds of girls are always unique. That's not the only thing that's unique about this woman, though: she has a necklace made out of sausages, too. Now, this has got to be a picture that was taken in the heat of a barbeque, but maybe this person should've reconsidered whether it was dating-site material or not.
On the other hand, we're pretty sure we know plenty of people who would have swiped right on this. Maybe this isn't such a bad picture after all. Just maybe.
He'll Kill For You, But He'll Also Keep the House Clean
Girls, get you a guy that can do both. And when we say both, we mean someone who can both murder somebody and use an absurdly long vacuum cleaner to make sure that your floor is looking nice, clean, and spotless. Usually, this type of guy is kind of hard to find. Not this time, though. He's right here, in this picture. Go get 'em, tiger!
We're not sure why somebody would upload a picture of themselves holding a weapon to an online dating site. As if online dating weren't scary enough without the inclusion of modern weaponry.
Serious Serial Killer Vibes Here
We cannot be the only people who are getting some serious horror movie, run for your life, this person is totally about to murder you in your sleep vibes from this picture, right? This young lady is definitely looking way too comfortable holding that ax. Also, she's holding it close to the blade as if she isn't afraid to get cut, which makes us automatically feel as though she isn't afraid to cut us, either.
We are going to give her credit where it's due, though: conceptually speaking, this photograph is a banger. The juxtaposition of the ax with the green leaves is truly striking.
These Boots Were Made for Dating
And that's just what they'll do. Well, then again, with a picture like that, maybe they won't be doing a lot of dating. There's nothing particularly wrong about this picture; it just isn't a very good one. We do have to admit, however, that those pink boots are totally baller. Seriously, why doesn't everyone wear those flamboyant, extravagant pink boots everywhere they go? The world would be a better place.
Also, there had to be a better place to pose for this picture than the kitchen, right in front of the microwave. There's just no way this was the optimal setting for this photo.
Guess She Has Expensive Taste
We're not even sure where to start with this photograph right here. Should we begin with those eyes? What's up with that melancholic, wistful gaze? Or perhaps we should start with the fact that she has glitter scattered all across her face. Umm, why? Like, why does she have glitter all over her face? Is that supposed to be some kind of forward-thinking make-up thing? Whatever it is, we don't get it.
But what struck us the most about this picture has got to be the fact that she's pretty much chowing down on her pearl necklace. Bon Apetit, we guess?
Just A Dude With His Cocks
Look, there's just no denying it - this guy really does get all the chicks. And when we say chicks, we, of course, mean chickens. You know, the farm animals. We're obviously not talking about girls because then he wouldn't have signed up for this online dating site. Truth be told, though, if you have that many chickens, the chances of you going on a date are probably pretty low.
Don't ask us why, though. We're no dating experts, and neither are we chicken experts. We're just assuming that people with a lot of chickens don't go on a lot of dates.
Buy One Get One Free
We really have no idea how Russian dating sites really function. We really don't. We always thought that Russian dating sites would be one of those things that would forever remain impenetrable and mysterious to us. But we are pretty sure, despite our utter ignorance, that there's no buy one get one free rule in Russian dating sites. That's why we have absolutely no clue why these two took this photo together.
They do make for quite the pair, though. Maybe it's just the fact that both of their lips are completely bloated and discolored for some reason, but they do suit each other.
Eyes on the Prize
The thing about dating profile pictures is that they have to make you look good. Whether you like it or not, dating online requires a little bit of effort in order to properly market yourself to other partners. Yeah, it sucks, but it's true - people on dating sites just have to "sell" themselves and make themselves seem worth dating in a matter of a few pictures and a quick bio.
That's why people often nitpick when it comes to their dating profile pictures. They're putting a lot of effort into making themselves look good. That definitely isn't what happened with this picture.
Smoking Hot
Oh god, this picture is amazing; it's so hilarious that we don't even know where to start with it. Like, should we talk about the fact that this guy has a cigarette in pretty much every hole in his face? Or maybe we should talk about how he's holding an actual pistol while sporting the goofy "I've got nine cigarettes on my person" look? We don't know if we should laugh out loud or run for the hills.
But the understated and underrated element of this picture has got to be the background. Where is this guy? Where was this photo taken? Everything about it is so ambiguous.
Always Eat Your Veggies
This woman is all about her health. What can we say? She seems health-conscious, the way she's holding those vegetables like that while posing for a camera. We're not sure what kind of demon persuaded her that this would be a suitable picture for her online dating profile, but we're not going to dwell on the past. What's done is done, and this woman's going to feed her partner those vegetables.
There's just nothing we can do about that. Absolutely nothing at all. This woman's affinity for vegetables is something that should just be accepted as a universal fact by now.
Nice Glasses
Okay, so this is definitely one of those pictures that you send to your friends to make them all laugh in the group chat. This is not, however, a photograph for a dating site. We repeat: do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, use this photograph or a photograph similar to this in your dating app profile if you're trying to actually meet somebody. Save these photographs for the actual relationship.
That is when your partner's so deep into the relationship and so emotionally invested that they won't be able to dump you for sending them goofy pictures such as this one.
"Felt Cute, Might Delete Later"
Watch out, ladies; there's a new type of man on the block. A man who isn't afraid to pose half-naked, holding a bouquet on his dilapidated sofa while his cat stares idly at him. Yeah, this is a man who isn't afraid to show his sensual, one could even say feminine, side. A man who knows what he wants, knows who he is, and knows how to treat you right.
Life must be weird for that cat, though. This guy must be up to all kinds of peculiar activities on a day-to-day basis. We can only imagine what it must be to be a cat in his household.
Run for the Hills
Look, we have nothing against this lady in particular, but we do know that this picture makes us feel really, really uncomfortable. Just look at that face. Look at it. It's as though she's about to pounce on us and snatch our souls if we proceed one step further. This is just not the type of vibe that people's online dating profile pictures should be giving off. Not even close.
Like, this is definitely reminiscent of some scene from a zombie movie, where you see an innocent-looking girl crying in the corner, only for her to become a bloodthirsty monster.
When He Has "Professional Athlete" in His Tinder Bio
So when you're scrolling through Tinder or whatnot, and you see that person with the blurry pictures and the bio that says "I'm a professional athlete," you should definitely not be surprised if he ends up looking like this guy. Unfortunately, that's just the state of online dating nowadays. People just are not what they claim to be. Well, most of the time, at least. Catfishers are truly everywhere these days.
Thankfully, however, this guy didn't manage to pull off the whole pro-athlete look. The only thing that breaks the illusion is the tennis racket in his hand. Yeah, that's no tennis racket. That's a fly swatter.
This Man's the Whole Package
There's nothing more you could possibly want from a partner than for him to have all the traits of an ex-convict. The only thing that this guy hasn't got going for him is maybe the fact that he might not be an ex-convict per se, but an actual convict who escaped from prison. That is, at least, what it looks like when you look at this photograph. Those aren't pajamas!
Those look more like a prison uniform! So either this guy had one heck of a Halloween costume, or he just happened to pull a Shawshank Redemption out of his local prison.
Grandma's Still Got It
Oh, look at her go! Who says people over the age of 60 have no game? This grandma's flirting all over the place, showing off just how flexible she is. Way to go, grandma, keep those boys running after you! Truly, the younger girls may have their youth, but that's all they have - they'll never have this grandma's life experience, wisdom, and, apparently, flexibility. Keep on rocking those splits!
This is a picture that would make any guy stop in his tracks to truly admire the beauty of this woman's athleticism. That's why we think this is a good online dating picture.
"My Last Ex Was A Total Pig"
Usually, people tend not to include them chilling with farm animals on their online dating profiles. Not in Russia, however. What's special about this picture, as opposed to all the other photos of people posing with farm animals for online dating sites, is just how intimate this guy and his pig seem to be. Like, they're totally cuddling. Sorry ladies, it seems as though this guy is already thoroughly taken.
Like, how is a woman supposed to compete with a man's love for his hog? There's no connection quite like it, honestly. Whoever will be the one to date him, she'll always be second place.
Did He Leave the Tag on That Jacket?
So, look. Not all of these dating photos are bad, and we just have to give credit where credit is due. This person totally nailed the 1960s, Freewhelin' Bob Dylan, riding from town to town and somehow making ends meet look. We actually thought this was a photograph of the esteemed folk legend himself for a moment there. So, to that, we say, "Good job, buddy. You nailed this picture."
This picture also begs the question: what more could a person possibly want from their partner than for them to pose as if they were 1960s Dylan? That's as good as it gets.
Kiss Her Through the Washing Machine
We think we kind of know what kind of vibe this woman was going for when she took this picture. Perhaps she wanted to play the seducer, maybe even tease the audience a bit, as if to say: look how close we are to kissing; we're just one window away from touching lips. The only problem is that she didn't think of how goofy she looked, sticking her face to a laundromat door.
Sorry girl, you're just going to have to try again. Maybe next time, pick a setting more suitable for the whole seductive vibe. Laundry just doesn't scream romance, you know?
This Isn't A Dating Profile Pic. It's A Work of Art
We're not even sure that this is a work of art. This is more like something you would see on the walls of a Buddhist temple or something like that. It just has this ethereal, holy vibe to it. Maybe it's because the person posing for the camera is in a praying position. Maybe it's something to do with the surrealistic hand coming out of the heavy boxing bag. We're not quite sure.
Or, maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the carpets both on the wall and on the floor. Everything about this picture is just kind of odd and spiritual.
Dude That Coat's A Little Too Small for You
Yeah, we're being sarcastic. So, who's going to be the one to tell this young lad that his coat seems to be just a tiny bit too big? Not us. We're not sure if it's just the coat or something about the setting of this picture, but this guy looks absolutely huge, and we're semi-terrified of the prospect of him pulverizing us into the ground with an old one-two combo.
Seriously, Russian boxing is real, and it's dangerous. It seems as though everyone in Russia has had at least two professional boxing matches in their life. Real scary stuff when you think about it.
Single And Ready to Mingle
Oh, to be young, wild, free, and hopelessly eccentric in your taste in fashion. We're not sure what possessed this guy to wear that hat as he posed for a picture for his online dating profile, but we can only guess that there had to be some people who bit the bait. This kind of weird, rave fashion does have a target audience, we guess. Hopefully, this guy found love.
There's bound to be some rave lady who's just waiting for this guy to come and sweep her off her feet and take her to some stinky underground party place.
Why Does She Kind of Look Like the Sphinx?
We've never thought about the similarities between Russian dating sites and ancient civilizations. More specifically, the similarities between Russian dating site photographs and the structures built by the early Ancient Egyptian civilization. Nevertheless, reality always finds a way to surprise us. This woman definitely kind of resembles the great ancient structure - the Sphynx. We're pretty sure that isn't what she was going for, but that's definitely what she ended up doing.
On a serious note, this lady does look a bit dazed and confused. Maybe she should try to take another photograph for her dating profile when she's a bit more grounded.
They Call Him the Ninja Warrior of Love
It is true what they say - love is war. Nobody knows this more than this guy right here, who uploaded a picture of himself posing with two ninja swords and a cool ninja-esque face mask to his dating profile bio. Why would he do that, you ask? To that, we say: we have absolutely no idea. We can't think of a good reason to do that. It certainly isn't going to impress potential partners, we think.
Also, can we point out the rug in the background? Why is it that every other picture up on this list has a rug up on a wall? Since when is this a thing?
Love Is War. That's Why He Has His War Paint on
This guy knows what's up. He's ready for his potential date. He's got his war paint on and everything. Nothing will catch him off-guard, nothing at all. Whatever the scenario, by rain, by fire, by unforeseen treacherous circumstances, this guy will pull through. That's just how seriously he's taking this whole online dating thing. Either that or he just wore some kind of facemask as some sort of skin treatment.
Either way, this guy's a total catch: on the one hand, he's a battle-hardened love warrior; on the other hand, he takes care of his skin. What's not to like here?